“What do I stand for? What do I stand for?”
Some Nights-FUN
This song has been resonating with me in ways I am hesitant
to even attempt to explain, but naturally, imma try J
As I 'welcome' myself back into the world of blogging, I am waiting
on the tarmac at the Boston Logan International Airport runway, taxiing
ever-so-patiently…sitting on the plane for longer than I will be in the air, en
route to the wonderful, the beautiful, the ever-classy Garden State.
Here I am, at a point of complete unknown in my
life. There are so many questions. There’s no set way, no calculated
path to follow to success, to fulfillment in my life…there’s no one telling me
I have to go one way or another, I have the absolute freedom to make my choices
and face their consequences. Relatable by everyone at some point or
another…like experiences of joy, suffering, love, and loss, we all face
crossroads in life, we have choices to make and results of those choices that
follow. How do we know that we are
making the right choice? How do we process what we want and what is good? How do we identify disordered thoughts and perspectives? How do we know when we are supposed to step
forward in one direction or another?
What if we ‘feel‘ no clarity either way?
How do we weigh feelings and process them through reason? What if we are absolutely petrified of making
the wrong decision? Of losing control of
our emotions, thoughts, actions…life?
Of…failure? Of being deceived of
the Truth… the truth of who we are, what we are meant to do, how we should
live? …What if I am flat out wrong?
Here I am, flying home to drive to Philly, being presented
with some gifted opportunities, opportunities to explore a possible profession,
to engage with people who have ‘been there, and done that’ in this chosen
field, and I have the chance to learn from their experiences, to learn of their
passions, to receive a piece of their uniqueness, their humanity, and see a
glimpse of transcendent beauty in this world, which speaks volumes of the One
who made it all…and yet, my soul is void of gratitude, of excitement, of
anticipation…I feel burdened. Overwhelmed.
Trapped.
Appreciating the gifts that these people are is one thing,
but choosing this profession, a whole other.
What IS the right choice? How
does one balance the advice, the encouragement, the skepticism and the votes of
confidence, and perhaps even the expectations (though these can be and often
are self-imposed…), with the war that seems to be going on inside?
How do I translate the convictions, the Truth that swells up
in my soul as I sit broken and in a messy blob on the floor of St. Clement’s in
the early hours to my moment to moment life?
There is such a dis-connect between the fundamentals I desire to
emulate, to live out, and what actually comes of my words and actions.
Love. Self-gift. Every
moment. Seeing the unshakable,
irrevocable beauty and worth in each person even (and perhaps especially) when
they can’t.
These are what I want to stand for. But do I actually? Are my eyes really looking? Ears really listening? Lips really speaking of Truth? Am I caught up in myself?
“What do I stand
for? What do I stand for? Most nights, I don't know, anymore.”
Well, most nights I don't know. Did I stand for Love today? Did I go outside of myself, look into the
eyes of the hundreds of people I pass each day?
Did I pray for those who are hurting, did I seek to ease the burden of
another today? And the thing is, all of
these things, to be able to do any of them, requires me to first RECEIVE. Do I
believe? Do I see me? The real me, or the image of who I think I am
or who I think I need to be? Am I
listening to my heart, or am I so scared to engage with it that I mute it…am I
able to receive Love? To surrender my
control? Right now, goodness, I am
really struggling to lay it all down.
How do I let go of control without spinning into a dark abyss? Why am I so afraid? So afraid of that
unknown? Of failing? Of being vulnerable? Of getting hurt? Of loving and losing? Of failing? Intellectually, I know the Truth, I am not
enough on my own, I cannot do all that I am called to, I cannot be who I am
called to be on my own, and I’m not meant to…
I am at a crossroads, and its really unclear how much longer
I’m going to be able to stand here, not making a decision, not picking a
path. I have to pick a path. And in perfect time, I will. Until then though, it is both the challenge and
the gift to seek this moment, and embrace it for all that it is…a moment of immense
beauty, of utter unknown; a moment for realizing that life is much bigger than
ME, but that despite my small and meager position, I have a chance to leave my mark, to play a role, a crucial role, we all do!… I pray for the grace
to do just that, today.
~danielleritarose
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