Heart Post.

Well, another week of travel, this one to the Czech Republic for some outdoor adventures and Prague for two days with the incredible Dasha.  I posted about that great week, but I think I’m due for a heart post.  Where has my heart been in all this running around?  I’ll try to do this topically, especially because it is only occasionally that my thoughts come out in coherent order… : )

daisies :)

:)

1. Summer.  Yup, so I still am not entirely sure what I am doing this summer.  Okay, even that’s a lie, I have no idea.  I have no idea what I SHOULD do.  I’ve had about a million and a half ideas for what to do with my time…in fact, I think I’ll list them because God knows we’ll both laugh when I look back on this at the end of the summer.  Some of these, are possible, even probable.  While some, it's amazing to think that at one point I thought they were "right" oye ve is what I say!

             -Peru with FIMRC

            -Honduras with Missioners of Christ

            -India with some Filippini nuns

            -NYCUP with InterVarsity

            -patient care technician at ANY hospital in the remote area of my house

            -patient care technician at Planned Parenthood

            -volunteer at Planned Parenthood

            -internship at soup kitchen

            -internship with Global Health Ministry

            -EMT course

            -teaching CCD

            -marathon training

            -programming with Miss Kylie’s students for a bit

            -visiting grandparents in Florida

            -training for a 5K with my Dad

            -internship with OB/GYN in Brooklyn

            -volunteering at an array of pregnancy centers

            -studying for/taking the GRE

Yup.  So, in case it isn’t clear, my heart has been all over the place with this stuff.  I feel pretty convicted about being home this summer now though, which is cool.  I’m very excited to be with my family!  Kelly’s 11, Michael’s going to college in the fall, Casey is getting super old, my Mom wants to play tennis and my Dad wants to RUN!  And my wonderful cousin Mary and I miss each other, ALOT.  Not to mention the wonderful friends living in the area.  Can’t wait to spend time with them either!  Thankfully, I’m getting a big tax return, so that should last me the summer, especially if “worse comes to worse” (there are much worse things to happen I think…) and I don’t have a job, but just an unpaid internship.  So yeah, still do NOT know what I will be doing, but there is kind of a peace about this unknown.  Well, only if I remember that God is bigger than my plans and control-seeking self.  I love to be in control of my life, and have a plan and a backup plan, and a backup backup plan for everything.  But, God tends to do the most beautiful things when we give Him total control, inviting Him in to do His will.  So, I’m just trying I guess.  There’s this great blog that Michelle turned me on to- http://libbyryder.blogspot.com/ .  It’s about 27-year-old Libby who was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma last August and has been documenting the entire experience.  It is a very beautiful blog, and so far I am only caught up to January 2011!  But it is such a reminder for me that even when I do not understand some things going on in my life, surprises or disappointments, God does understand, and He is preparing me for whatever is to come.  So, He knows what this summer will be like, and He will tell me where to be in His time.

Catania

I love laughing this hard, even if it looks silly

Vernazza

Sicily

2. NYC Marathon.  Yeah, I think it’s right.  HOPEFULLY, my Dad can get Kylie and I into the marathon with his company, but we shall see.  My first marathon experience was definitely not normal.  Food and God.  Two simple words to sum up the transformation that happened in my life over those few months.  Running.  Praying.  Praising.  Flying. Restricting. Hating on my body.  No Running.  Waiting.  Marathon comes.  Too fast.  Then too much pain.  More physical pain than ever endured, and that was the best.  Well, hindsight is 20/20 of course.  But that was the best moment.  The most tangible moment of my life when I have experienced God was then.  When muscles I did not even know existed were cramped and wanted to quit.  But way back in June, God decided we would run this marathon.  And His glory would be seen in it.  He would conquer my sins, my worldiness, my shortcomings.  And He did.  And literally, brought my heart into new life.  This physical world has no grasp on the eternal life that we have with our Father.  And so, the NYC Marathon.  The idea has been floating since before Phili last year- especially by my family who thought I would want to run a marathon near our home.  But now, it does feel peaceful.  The idea of training is a great one to me now, in a new way.  Working hard for something, fighting for time with God, being disciplined.  There is such faith building in running, and transcendence to a different place, a place with God.  My wonderful friend Fernando just sent me a link to this blog, which is ALL ABOUT RUNNING J so so cool. http://runprayerfully.wordpress.com/   So, especially since running has been an infrequent activity while here in Denmark, and won’t be possible while in Nicaragua, running regularly can’t even start until mid June.  And that will start with a 5K with my Dad : )

yum!

Monterosso

wild purple daisies

sandstone, Hruba Skala

3. Travel.  Yup, I have the bug, the travel bug.  There are so many places I would like to go, so many cultures I’d like to see hear touch taste smell (woo I know my five senses haha).  And travel has been amazing- meeting so many new people, and traveling with Michelle.  But, I miss people.  My people.  My family.  My close friends.  This is not an experience I would trade for anything- going off on my own, becoming a public transport pro, a supermarket pro, a cheap but clean and cozy hostel pro- independence.  But, life really is most enjoyable with the people we love.  And I definitely miss those people.  Independence on some level is super important, but we are totally made for community and celebrating and living together!  Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming of traveling to a million different places, with different people who have changed my life with their love and sharing their hearts with me.  But I must remember this time is so important for what God is doing in my heart, where He is leading me, on this journey of life with Him.  As connected as we can become to friends and family, no one knows us or loves us like God does.  And I have definitely needed to learn to go to Him first, before any family or friend.  He’s got to be my number one.  He will lead me through everything, and to each relationship intentionally.  I miss you family.  I miss you friends.  I realize I sound a little cheesy, but oh well.  I really do miss you all! It doesn’t mean I am not having a great time here, I really am!  I am learning so much about myself, and how I need to grow, how I really fall short of how I am called to live, to love.  Take away line: I love traveling, I miss people, and if you have an idea for a trip and want to do it together, I am TOTALLY up for it if we can make it cheaply : )

:)

peaceful...thanks Italian lady

Levanto

4. Life after Bucknell.  What?  I feel like I should not even be thinking about that yet, but truth is, it is just around the corner.  I’m registered for fall courses- overloading because I want to take so many different classes!  And so will begin my senior year at Bucknell.  I remember not too long ago I had an exact plan for what life would look like.  MCAT in January.  Perfect, I’ll apply to medical schools right on time, even early. Ha.  That’s almost funny looking back on it.  Knowing being a doctor is not right for me is peaceful in most regards, except for the control regard.  I love having a plan, a to do list, and man oh man do I love checking things off a to do list!  But, I am learning that that is not what life is about.  Life is a journey, each day, to be fully lived, cherished.  I so often was living with only the end in mind.  I did a good job of convincing myself that I was living the journey too, but mostly the end result was in the back of my mind I think.  And now, I don’t really know what I’ll do after college.  Maybe apply to graduate school, public health, physicians assistant, dual program?  Maybe take a year, and do Americorps, or World Teach, or another stipend program, where I would make enough money to live on for a year, while being somewhere totally out of my element.  I would love to be fluent in Spanish.  Maybe pursue that?  Goodness I do not know.  But I do know that this comfort in not knowing is a good thing.  Doesn’t mean I don’t want to know the answer, I really really do.  I love knowing the answer, my next move, and feeling good about it.  But I need to rest in not knowing, and live fully in this day.  By the way, the weather here today is WONDERFUL.  Totally blue sky, high of 70F or so  : ) Thank you Denmark, for being beautiful.  Anyway, who knows what the future holds.  I never would have imagined I’d have grown in the ways that I have this semester, so I should not even try to figure out how I will grow in this next year at Bucknell.  It will be an adventure.  And I get to “live” with three fabulous women who’s hearts are full of passion and joy, can’t wait.  

:)

Bonasola

5. Easter. Good Friday was such a strange day.  I was so angry in the morning.  Despite beautiful weather in Prague, I had to buy a carry on suitcase, and then the dumb thing wouldn’t shut.  I was sitting in a little square in the center of the city, trying to get this bag to shut for 30 min and cursing it.  Dasha, wonderful Dasha was able to get it shut.  But that’s not even the point.  It’s a stupid suitcase, and I gave it the power to infuriate me.  How embarrassing!  This inanimate object got to control my emotions and my actions.  I hit the bag and I cursed at it.  I probably looked really funny to most people around.  So stupid.  It made me think about how I react when things do not go my way exactly- frustration can run me.  I become consumed by the negative feeling, and it affects how I think, how I talk, how I act.  That’s not how I am called to live.  And it’s interesting, because I was able to have this conviction, and then I realized that it was Good Friday.  2000 years ago, Jesus carried his cross and was crucified on it, for my sins.  He knew all that I would do that was selfish, and He died because He loves me in spite of this tendency, and offers me a new life in Him.  WOW.  I need to repeat that to myself a few times, for it to sink in a little more.  This new life is so abundantly full of joy.  No, I do not always choose it, more than I’d like to admit I just choose myself.  But man, I don’t want to keep choosing me.  The more I read of the Bible, the more captivated I become.  No, not by Christianity.  Nor by fellowship groups.  God is personal.  With ME (and YOU).  He is found in solitude, and He can be glorified in fellowship for sure, but He wants to be with you alone the most.  I love the Bible, it isn’t tainted by the corruption of people- it tells of people who, yes were absolutely broken (except Jesus), but who lived in surrender to God and thus felt His joy and community.  I think it’s really easy for people, including myself, to judge God based on Christians we know, or on “the church.”  But that’s just a lie.  God knows us intimately and loves us best.  I need to keep fighting to know Him more personally, so that my life becomes less about Danielle, and more about Him.  I am no achiever of this by any means, it’s impossible for me to do, only He can.  So anyway, in light of Good Friday, I was convicted of my frustration tendencies, and how even when I am a total brat, God loves me just as much as when I am seeking Him.  His love never changes.  We just need to recognize His presence with us, and submit to Him, allow Him to enter in, and take over.  Tomorrow, 2000+ years ago, Jesus rose from the dead.  And gave us personal connection to God.  I pray that I go after that connection, and do not lose sight of what Jesus did for me, for all of us, that day.

 

you may say that I'm a dreamer...